I'm usually not one for hip hop, but driving in the rain and having my emotions flood back....yeah. Thanks to Tomo for having this song on one of the mixes she burned.

I found out from Dan that the style doesn't actually have a name. It's an amalgum of tai chi quan and some tang soo doe. Ironically it's supposed to be the anti-thesis of tae kwon doe. *smirk* I really really want to practice it more. I really enjoy it and it just feels so damn NATURAL! I'm really excited to learn more. I felt sort of bad for Dan though when he told his sensei about me. "What do you mean she put you in a submissive hold so easily! You must train more! *smack smack smack*" =D We love you Dan, yes we do.

Oh, and Rita's back from college. It's all an online class so she's home and we got to play DDR. We're both so out of shape but she still kicks my butt. haha.

I'm gonna go mope or something. maybe I'll try and find some chocolate. yes chocolate always sooths.

I don't even have words to describe what's going on. This is the same reaction I get when someone dies. My emotions shut down. In a week or so once things have settled down they'll all hit again. Maybe I'll be able to talk about this more effectively then.

I feel like I shouldn't talk about this, but I know I should. I got a tad bit too much sun yesterday. Went into pain, went into hysterics. I haven't had an attack in years and I forgot how bad they were.

Dan and Tomo-chan were with me though. I felt so ashamed for being so weak. They kept telling me that I wasn't. We got to Dan's house and the AC was WONDERFUL and his living room was so dark! The pain subsided almost immediately. It was like EPP paradise. I knew they felt guilty or something so I sent them off to get me some icecream while I recovered. Not that the icecream was bad.....Blackraspberry chocolate truffle....*happy sigh* And then we played Monopoly. I never knew they could be so caring. Most of the time I have an attack it's like "here. bag of ice. you can skip your lesson. go away."

Dan started teaching me some martial arts too after I had pretty much recovered for the day. He mentioned a Korean style his sensei showed him. Basically very fluid and airy and continuous movement. He's going to get back to me on what the name of it is, but it sounds like one I could really use. It's movements I've pretty much done all my life. It sort of makes me worry how quickly I caught on. I wasn't even thinking about anything when I grabbed his punches and pinned his arms around his back. o___o;; It's not exactly like I have any fighting experience...cept maybe those cat fights my sister and I have gotten into every blue moon or so. But then I've always beat her at those, I spend most of my energy in those fights on damage control really...not really trying to hurt her. Either way I think it's amusing how Dan is scared of ballerinas and gymnists. He's a black belt and is scared to be on the end of those dancers turned martial artists. XD

I think this is alot better than Tae Kwon Doe. Not as choppy and I never really had any weight to throw around in the first place. Much more watery and airy. Fluid movements. I'm excited to practice more ^__^ I think it'd be fun. Also helpful for some sleezes who can't get a clue and I woop their butts XD *cheers!* Girl Power! *V*

Cover Story of Newsweek! I wasn't able to read it from the actually paper cause my dad pitched it before I was able to sneek it away to read it. Thank you internet =D

It was the cover story of Newsweek! That's not some miniscule story that no one bothers reading. It's not like Missouri Times page 45. It's really hitting the mainstream!

*waves arms around* People are starting to figure it out! It's starting to become legalized too! Things are improving! The world is becoming a better place slowly but surely! This is great! *happy~*

I wonder what heroes are going to be born out of this generation. The last generation of equality pushers got Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King. Who is going to become our heroes?

I almost want to say "well that doesn't stop all the harassment" but then I also think that our lives are still segregated defacto between black and white...BUT it is immensely better. People get glared at if they say they're racist out loud even though the ones glaring probably are mildly racist even if it's only on a subconsious level.

Things are getting better =) And that makes me immensely happy.

I'm tempted just to find that damn Fred Phelps page again just laugh. I want to see his head get all red with fury and maybe watch it pop like a balloon XD *laughs* I watch too much anime.

Well...I just finished HP5. It was surprizingly satisfying. Though I definitely think the "children's" genre is not what it once was. I had Rainbow Brite, a girl who makes the world full of color and her main nemisis are people who their worse crime is being....unpolite XD. This generation get's Harry Potter, a boy stuck in horrible situations but always manages to crawl out of them..though not unscathed, and his main nemisis is feared by everyone and has made an impact that even Muraki would be jealous....and probably even fearful too. *nod nods* A much darker and yet even more epic and emotionally stimulating than previous generations. Not that previous generations didn't enjoy Spiderman angst, but it's definitely something powerful for this one.

You know...with all this craze I'm so hesitant to admit it was good. It was good. I liked it. ^_^ I liked alot of the new characters added in too. Luna was great. Cho isn't all that new but she added a good accent to develop Harry. I like Ginny even more. The death didn't impact me as much as I thought it would...mostly because once I found out my first deduction was wrong, my second one was right...so I sort of predicted it throughout the book > >;;; Bad me! Bad! *smacks hand*

It's still sad though...I'd give a reason why but I of course have to uphold the HP5 unspoken rule of not releasing who died. XD

Oh, and a deep apology to those who are already completely and utterly sick of hearing about Harry Potter for the three billionth time. You can borrow our books later and feel all included. XD

I've come to a few conclusions:

1. The act of Thinking is the most prominant cause of depression...at least for me.
2. Emotions can be really really fucked up. I'm frustrated about being upset to the point of self harm when ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS WRONG!!!
3. HP5 is wonderfully angsty and emotionally tension filled. It makes my feelings and own angst seem like a valley girl's love of calculus. ....that was a weird analogy. Nevermind. The point has been made.
4. Work is nice...as long as I've had my full 8 hours of sleep. Any less and I start wishing for something very very large and heavy to fall on me just so it would end the pain.
5. No matter the angst, no matter whatever levels of disconnection, no matter the loneliness, no matter the cycles of emotional self torment, animal crackers will make me smile. no matter what, animal crackers will always always make me smile.

I'm feeling a lot happier I think.

Thanks to the help of meeting another EPP person on one of the porphyria mailing lists I'm on, she directed me to an EPP ML.

I suddenly don't feel like such a wimp anymore. Maybe it's the fact I know now it's not all in my head. Sure, getting the diagnosis proved to me mentally that it wasn't in my head, but I still emotionally felt like it was. Like there was something I could do. Suck it up and deal basically. Then after reading some of the other accounts from other people getting attacks from it and kind of nodding my head going "yup. I've been through that...been through that too" I sort of realized..."wow...it actually IS that painful. It's not something you can just suck up" I mean...it's like, What sort of excuse can you give that says an 11 year old child would stay awake sitting in ice cold water during the night and sitting the entire day away in front of an AC leaving only to go the bathroom and maybe...MAYBE grab a bite of something cold to eat, for 4 days straight without a wink of sleep just because that was the least painful option, and they should be able to just "suck it up." Kami, I remember wanting to scratch the skin off of my bones if it would rid the pain. I'm surprized I didn't...or maybe I did and it healed without the scaring. I can't even remember because I blocked the emotions of it so badly.

Some of the people on the list are talking about getting Handicap plates for the cars and Medical Alert bracelets and stuff. And I continued feeling like I was a wimp?! Like I should have stopped complaining about my damn disorder and run out in the sun like every other human being and deal with the pain just so I could be normal. I felt guilty for getting a VIP thing at Disneyland when I was younger and skipping the long lines because that's for people who really need it. Not for me. Because it's all in my head you know. It's all mental.

I don't feel like such a wimp anymore. It's not in my head scientifically anymore. It's started to really show emotionally too. I still have my doubts though, but then again nothing changes overnight completely. It makes me wonder if my who issues of selfworth spring from this. Just from being told that I was a strange child and that it was all just fussy fantasy. "It's all in your head dear. Just calm down." My whole sense of wrongness with how I fit in the world.....maybe not THAT deep. But it still makes me wonder how deep those sort of scars go.

I don't feel like such a wimp anymore =)

Though I certain feel sort of....amused? *laughs* I'm not sure. I almost feel it's a curse in a way because porphyria is a royal disease. It was created because of all the rich inbreding, hense why such a rare disease has been known for so long. So I'm cursed because my ancestors refused to marry anyone "lower" than them and I'm stuck as the product of royalty....a royal pain in the ass..or skin. =D

Ya. But I can pretty much assume most of the people reading this don't really care. Not really because you're not caring people, but because it's hard to understand. I still love you all though. I really do. I really really do.

Woo hoo! Today's link of the week~ The Boy Who Cried Iraq

Thanks Rob! =D

History has been repeating itself. It makes me wonder if we're going to have a Red Scare or something....maybe we already have and I haven't been exposed to it because of course terrorists couldn't be white. *gasp*

You know...I'm tempted to say that this topic is so depressing and I've beaten it to death...and then I realize that people are dying and more are going to die. This is something that is going to affect this world for a long long time to come. I'm not allowed to just shut up.

Also, I don't feel horrible about this war just by history...I just...I have a bad feeling about it. Not that things will happen immediately...but years down the road this will be the first set of dominoes. I just have a really bad feeling about it all.

*laughs* how utterly scientific and logical is that. Then again when did I completely rely on that in the first place.

mmm...pez.

You know...I'm not one to point out the idiocy in others, unless of course there's hope for change. I'm mildly proud of myself for emailing Maddox a fairly intellegent email. I think it's probably that what he has to say is valid and just displayed in an offensive way.

But I just can't get over KenshinIsGay.com and the subsequent rebuttle email. I hate to say it, but that email was factual and intellegent. I was particularly amused/offended at
" Despite his gay-ass name, Shishio is the biggest motherfucking BADASS to ever walk the Earth since Lucifer.

First of all, did you know that Shi in Japanese means "death?" So the man's name is "death" twice. Is it still a gay name?

Secondly, Lucifer didn't walk the earth.

-Who gives a fuck about some nonsense “language” like Japanese?! It’s all gibberish. I dare you to go to Harlem and say “My name is Shishio”. I guarantee j00 that if yo’ faggoty ass ain’t capped in a second you’d better hurry off to a stage production of Rocky Horror or Joesph and his Pimpin’ Dreamcoat to join the rest of your freaky fuck buddies."

......it makes me wonder if this person is even real. He has something against Homosexuals, Intellegence, AND Japanese language and culture. Then again I'm a Yaoi and Yuri fan, have an IQ of 133, and I major in Japanese. Perfect. =D

Sorry. I shouldn't feel like I'm better than this person....but damnit I do. He has a right to say whatever he wants...but I'm sad he hasn't learned better. Then again I'm probably ignorant and racist in my own way that I don't even realize. I come from middle class white suburbia. Of COURSE I probably have some beef against someone or another that I don't even realize.

I have the urge to watch Powder. Even though I haven't seen that movie since I was middle school. Oh. And I joined my first LJ community. It's all Hisoka centric. =) I like Hisoka. Then again I hope it's not all about "Oh! He's so pretty rant rant rant!" and more "He's such a strong character! I really think he was great in the fact he rant rant rant!" Then again, I remember going to Katsu and talking with two Gothic Lolita girls about Yami and they were all "Muraki x Tsuzuki's so awesome. Muraki's so cool~ Hisoka's soo not for Tsu" "*whines* But I like Hisoka!" "You're not one of those who are all squeally cause he's pretty, are you?" "No! I think he's really great as a person!" "Well then that's ok! *pat pat* =D"
It makes me wonder how many squeally Hisoka fans they've known.

I am not: as alone as I think I am
I hurt: the people I should protect and love, but mostly myself.
I love: my friends and family and the way the moon shines high in the sky and the way fresh oatmeal cookies taste and the smell of spiced tea and singing and squishing clay or mud or silly putty between my fingers
I hate: feeling helpless, hopeless, and homeless
I fear: hurting those I care about the most...and ferris wheels.
I forget: nearly everything short term and things I wish to remember as well as things I wish to forget
I remember: nearly everything long term and things I wish to remember as well as things I wish to forget
I imagine: many many things
I hope: for a brighter present and a brighter future
I crave: chocolate...and somewhere where I am understood and where I fit
I regret: very little, or at least I try to.
I care: about a lot of things.
I always: try and see things from perspectives outside of my own.
I want: to find a reason for existing.
I feel alone: a lot. But then at the same time, not a lot. It's weird.
I listen: to a lot of depressing music XD
I hide: the truth but not the facts
I pretend: that I'm no different from the masses
I drive: for fun with the windows down and the music up
I sing: with my true emotions.
I cry: silently
I destroy: alot unintentionally.
I dance: when no one is around.
I write: not very often. I always feel like one day I'll regret the person I was.
I wake: after eating something or taking a shower...though I wish I was still dreaming.
I breathe: fierce winds before storms
I play: as often as I can
I venture: with a lot of love and support at my back
I find: that I'm not as alone as I think I am
I pray: for all the things I hope for. A brighter present and future
I miss: something that I can't even describe and sometimes I don't even think I know
I kiss: my mother goodnight when I know I'll miss her
I succeed: at being kind...most of the time
I search: for a reason to be.
I learn: that life is a very simple complex thing
I feel: very often moody
I know: that I barely understand anything
I joke: in kindness and never in spite
I say: a many positive things as possible
I change: frequently
I fail: at feeling human
I dream: of things that aren't my own.
I believe: that if ruled by kindness and understanding that I will make the world a better place
I wonder: how deep my roots go. how far my past reaches. where else has my soul been or is going to be.
I want: the people I care about to be happy
I worry: that I'm crazy
I wish: that I understood who I am, who I was, and who I'm going to be.
I fight: for preserving the beautiful things in life
I need: acceptance, love, and a smack over the head once in a while.
I am: a person who thinks way to much and concludes way too little.

.__.;; ....I gave in....I gave into temptation.....I bought the book. .___.;;;;

I haven't started it yet because I have work in a couple minutes but.....yeah. I gave in.

.....

Oh! and I've been noticing a recent phenomenom. Everyone is of course talking about the book and nearly everyone is giving this long wail to the heavens about whosever death it is.....but no one is specifically saying who. Everyone understands how detrimental being spoiled would be etc etc. o__o; Wow. It's that bad. Still, everyone is doing the whole "Nooooooooooooooooo~~~ *breathes in* ~ooooooooooooooooo!!!!!" but still not saying who.

Not that I like spoilers myself. I like predicting things ^_^

My money is on Snape. If I had any money to bet with.

Oh and DON'T tell me if I'm right. I'd like to figure that out myself. =p~ No hints either.

Well. Last night was overall a fun night. The music was bad, the icecream tasted funny, I saw people I'm probably not going to see again even though I'd like to, and I got alot of positive comments on my wings. In fact I was probably more popular last night than all of my years of high school combined.

If anything, it was great fun dressing up and doing something different. It makes me wish all of anime-tachi could have been there. Not to mention Nigaki looked great as an undertaker/ganster. I felt very flattered with Nigaki's comment of "you look like the child of Mana and Trinity =D"

If you want to see more pictures, ask. Generally I have to give them out according to if you know Nigaki irl and if not I have to do some editting.

Oh. and all this Harry Potter fever in the air is getting to me. I'm not interested in HP and I had not one but TWO Harry Potter related dreams last night. I never have HP dreams!
*laughs* But I have to admit they were interesting. I was going to Hogwarts and the Sorting Hat put me in with the "Young Ones" house. It was a new house that was created a couple months ago or something like that. There wasn't a good leader/founder of it yet so they didn't have a name for it other that "Young Ones"...it was all like...artsie types. Everyone in there has an affinity for having special gifts. Well not that most of the students of Hogwarts aren't already gifted but like...rare gifts. We didn't have a Quiddich team yet or anything cause it was like...10 students. maybe less. They were still trying to figure out where we could sit during dinner.

And THEN! I had a dream from Herminonie's (I can't even remember how her name is spelled...) perspective. It was all like, about her muggle family life before Hogwarts etc. What she studied, what her ambitions were, what her family did for a living, etc etc. And then the day she recieves her acceptance letter o__o; Basically all the surprize involved and how she manages to get her books and stuff, shopping etc etc even though she has NO connections to the wizarding world.

WTF!!! I'M NOT INTO HARRY POTTER!!! x_x; *holds head*

I'm at prom with Nigaki by the time you all read this. Ahh the beauty of digital cameras.

*wavies~*

This isn't my LJ but it is my public blog, so I figured this would be a good place to post this.

animelily Magic Number 19 Job Despot Personality Drifter Temperament As High As A Very High Kite Sexual Gay Likely To Win Nothing Me - In A Word Startling Colour Brought to you by MemeJack

O__O;; That. Is. Scary.

I have been trying to figure out excuses as to why I haven't blogged much.
I've been working for one, and it's given me less time to let myself think. Which is probably a good thing.
Also something isn't right in the world. Not that it's ever truely right in the first place but...I dunno. Food tastes bitter or tasteless and that's always a bad sign. I don't like saying bad things.
Nothing insanely interesting has happened. Other than the usual...though I did have a fun time hanging out with Nigaki, Tomo, Kathryn, David and Ben. I pushed some kids around on a merry go round. good fun. =)

I don't know. I'm feeling uber emotional right now. But I can't really write it off as PMS or something because I've felt this way for a while now. *laughs* I cried about a friggin cookie at work. a cookie! I can laugh about it and all because I guess it was half faked, but I really honestly was upset about my coworker eating my cookie and throwing the rest of it away before I even took a single bite. He ate my cookie! My COOKIE! He didn't eat the cookie I got after that though. ^____^

I don't know. I've been going through changes. Trying to figure out my perception of the world and exactly how I'm placed in it. Some things are still the same and some things will always be the same. But others I just don't know. I'm kind of envious of people who catch onto things like this so quickly. They're dictated their life's goals and they follow them so blindly. I can't do that and it scares me. Why can't I do something that's so simple and natural for most people.

Ok. No more dangerous thinking. Time for bed. Time for bed.

I managed to find my Utada Hikaru album that I've been missing. "Distance" is good fun.

Last night in sociology I was feeling rather full of myself. *laughs* Mostly because my professor was talking about prejudice and discrimination. I probably shouldn't feel that way. Bigots are people too. Blind people but people none the less.

You're a LUMBERJACK! But that ok, this means that
you a versatile and easy going person. You can
truly fit into any social enviroment but are a
nature nut at heart. You not that concerned
about other's opinions, even if they don't like
your new pumps that you bought to go with your
chainsaw.
Face it, you're a girly just like your dear ma-ma.


Which Monty Python Character Are You
brought to you by Quizilla

I love that song XD so wonderful. Ohhhh~ I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok~ I sleep all night and I work all day! I wear high heels. I eat much lunch. I go to the lavetrine~ On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones with tea!

I think that's how it goes. Contradictions are fun. =)

Lookie!!! It's a new layout! =D
Even though Vaio-chan's in the shop I was able to get it up because of two things.
#1. My father's computer has the space and ram to handle photoshop and my files.
#2. Backups of all my pictures.

So it's finally up. =D

Now I get to work on my next project. The gothic lolita dress for prom. Hopefully I'll get it done. =D

*pumps fist* Yousha!!