I had a fight with my dad. Usually I can handle things like that but my defenses are so low right now. I couldn't handle it. Being called inconciderate, selfish, he might as well added in guilty for greg's death or something equally not needed or true at the time. My defenses really are so low right now. I didn't even realize that things have effected me that much.

I talked to greg's mother. She told me things about the 5 page note he wrote. Little things like how he specifically said to not feel guilty because he deliberately tried to hide it. He doesn't want anyone to feel to blame for it. He chose to. A bad choice, but a choice none the less. But there were little things in the letter like "Mom, stop crying, smile :-)" and things like that. If he only knew how valueable he was.

I've noticed alot of people don't have pictures of him, or letters, or anything of that sort. Even his mother doesn't have much. He didn't want to make an impact on people. But he ended up making one anyways.

....why are my defenses so low. I should be able to handle this, shouldn't I? I hate being so weak right now.
It's 08:32 p.m. and I need something...

Friday, October 25, 2002
woo! A pause in all the death angsting. It's my birthday! Wee! yeah yeah!

This has definetly been a really odd week. I had a birthday, a death, two midterms, a little discovery, complete change in the trees and surroundings, and now I'm moving blogs.

Well...maybe the moving blogs isn't so dramatic.

Oh oh! but nigaki gave me her present to me! She made me a layout!! And it's KILLER!!!! It's absolutely killer! Lol...Good Design+twisted sense of humor+JRock+Tea=squealing and very pleased me.

I'm going to be switching to greymatters and over to Nigaki's server officially on the 28th. Why the 28th? It's Erin no Blog's first birthday! Pitas has been great, but I want a comment system. Then I'll actually know who actually likes reading my drivel.

Two quizzes. I thought they were sweet ^_^ I like quizzes when I get complements...even though they're sort of idealized, but that's ok.

what's your inner flower?
[c] s u g a r d e w

What Breed of Hamster Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Which CowBoy BeBop Session Are You?
Session 26: "I'm not going there to die. I'm going there to see if I really am alive." - Spike
You finally get it.
Very few people ever reach that point in life, but you my friend have made it.
Seeing beyond the everyday problems of our existance, you finally have the weight you carried for so long lifted from your shoulders.
You understand everyday must be enjoyed for what it is, and when this dream we call life ends, that's all that matters.

Which CowBoy BeBop Session Are You?
Session 10: "There are ends we don't desire but we have to face them. That's what being human is all about." - Jet
You have had your share of bad luck, sad days, and lost loves.
Fortunately, no matter what you can take it.
It might be painful, but you have to move on, or else you'll end up only hurting youself more.
Good thing you know this.
You are a shining example to the rest of the human race.
Your maturity is something we should all look up to.

Tuesday, October 22, 2002
I found out today a person I talked to from high school hung himself saturday. Ya, I know what you're thinking. "you talked to him? so that make him an aquantience right?" sorry to say, but that's not really true. I don't really talk to many people so he was closer than an aquantance, but he wasn't a friend because if he was I would have done everything in my power to have prevented this....I wonder what would have happened if we had become friends.

His name was Greg. I remember when he was in my japanese class...we talked once or twice about nothing and I thought he was cute. Then I remember him snickering with his buddies behind me in honors biology....it annoyed me so much at the time and I was like "I can't believe I had a crush on that kid he's so mean talking in the middle of class". and then him and I hung out some after I graduated because I hung out with rita. we'd go to this killer diner on 51 that serves the greatest cheese omlet and an order of fries takes up a whole plate. he'd let me mooch off of him. He was a good guy. He also had the most killer sense of humor, I think that's one of the reasons I had a crush on him. He was quiet most of the time...then once in a while he'd toss in a few words and they'd be the most hilarious of the whole conversation. He wasn't stupid, even though his end might have been. He was really witty and I really liked his sense of humor. ^_^ He was a good guy. For a while I tried to set him and Tomo up. I still remember him letting me mooch off of his curly fries...I think he took a piece of my garlic toast one time too. Really witty guy.

^_^ It'll all eventually hit me sometime.
It's 10:12 p.m. and I need to appreciate my friends

Monday, October 21, 2002
DDR was killer yesterday. I love konamix, I forget what mix that is normally called but oh well. The unfortunate thing is that it's more difficult than the original was. no one wanted to dance with me ;_;

But it was still fun. It was great. I collapse after a song, lay there for 30 seconds then get up and say "I Wanna do that AGAIN!" I always find a song that I really enjoy and then work it to death till I can do it perfectly. Original it was Dub I dub, this mix I really like Hysteria. Not only is the dance above my level at the moment so it's a good goal, but the song sort of reminds me of Utada Hikaru's style...None of the same passion that Hikki puts in, but still, familiar style.

I feel so bad though...I ended up making two of my friends angry for stupid reasons. >_< I really really really hate seeing my friends hurt, much less by me. I'm such an idiot. *guilt guilt guilt*

Briaaaan! Hiiro! Please forgive me!!!

well. now I'm off to study for my japanese literature midterm. fun fun fun....>_>;;
It's 02:04 p.m. and I need a mp3 of Miyabi's "Girls Be Ambitious"

Sunday, October 20, 2002
This has been a really great weekend. I don't really know how to specify more to that. I've grown closer to my friends, even though I'm not sure some would realize it. It's just been a good weekend for me.

*cheers* I'm even going to play more DDR this afternoon. And I'm gonna get a job tomorrow and and and =D *cheers and twirls* life is good.

Added two new links. And I found a quiz I haven't taken. Soooo no surprized with the results

I am a Malice Mizer fan!
What kind of Gackt fan are you?
quiz by mcvarmazi
You long for the long-gone days of Malice Mizer. You mourn the death of Kami every year, and believe that Tetsu, Gackt and Klaha were all good singers in their own different ways. Visual kei... goth rock...you loved that sort of thing, and hate the fact that Malice Mizer is now a thing of the past.

Friday, October 18, 2002
Woo uneventful week at school, though I tried a new hair dying technique and it works out great!

Going up to state college this weekend =D rock on! gonna have fun! *dances*

You know it's a bad sign when you've already taken most quizzes you see >_>;;; .......

Oh yes! It's supposedly Kurosaki Hisoka's birthday! wai wai!
It's 12:09 p.m. and I need more cheese! Bring on the Cheese!

Tuesday, October 15, 2002
^___^ this was a great weekend home. I got to hang out with nigaki and dixon. I got to see my family and my dog. I love my dog XD. I got to have some of my beloved Behive Mango Tea too *_*

It was a really great weekend. Enforced to me that the world can be a good place ^__^

I felt so honored and special...even with my family's monetary situation they threw me a little family party for my birthday in a week or so. My dad got me steak. I felt so honored *__*

Lol. I feel loved through meat XD

My mom got me a new bag too. *has such a bag fetish*

This has been such a wonderful weekend. I haven't felt this loved and special in a long time ^___________^
It's 12:48 a.m. and I need to remember this for a long time ^__^

Saturday, October 12, 2002
Today was fun! I got new glasses which look killer on me. I hung out with brian and tomo and especially nigaki. We walked around downtown and stuff. ^_^ good fun. good good fun.

La la la. I'm in a great mood! Fun fun fun =D

Happy Birthday to Hayama Akito of Kodocha XD I found out because of the Anime Birthday Calander Definetly amused ^_^

La la la la. I'm in a good mood! la la la!
It's 10:15 p.m. and I need more hazy days with friends

Thursday, October 10, 2002
tadaimaaaaa ^__^ I'm back home for the weekend. back to the city and culture and my friends and my family and my dog. I missed my dog.

My dog remembered me *_* I feel so special! I love you lily-chan! you're such a wonderful puppy that will never be able to read this cause you can't read ^_^

I was watching TV (cause holy cow, I haven't watched a TV in months XD) and a Michael Jackson special. I'm probably being blasphomous for saying this, but I see alot of similarities between him and Gackt. o_O Psychotically popular, extremely talented though they put their talent to pop, and naturally androgenous. Well maybe not natural for Michael Jackson...I have a feeling he was forced hormones as a child to keep his voice. u_u kawaii sou.
It's 10:37 p.m. and I need to get alot of stuff done this weekend ^_^

Thursday, October 10, 2002
woo hoo! don't have much to say!

Um....I read alot of Hikaru no Go scanlations. It's really cute. I'm thinking about getting the manga...well then again that takes money @_@; lots of things I want to get...

But now I'm interested in go. actually I have been for a while but never really sat down and learned it. so far I suck. badly. maybe I'll get better eventually....hopefully @_@;;

I took a 'what type of fanfiction do you read' type quiz. Woo, big surprize, but oh well.

I like...

Let a Random Quiz tell you what to read. this banner was made by Draco
this quiz was made by Psyche
You'll probably say you like realism, but what you actually mean is that you like a combination of realism and romance. You want to see things portrayed in a pretty realistic way, but not so realistic as to remind you of your own, sad, pitiful little life.

Good for you!

Tuesday, October 8, 2002
woo. another day. I managed to survive without my glasses, though it certainly made Japanese lit interesting cause we watched a movie (Rhapsony in August aka Hachigatsu no Kyoushikyoku) which was subtitled...but that doesn't exactly help without glasses from the back of the room. *shrugs* I was able to get some of it just from listening comprehention. I'm sort of proud of what I got out of it actually.

Every time I hear Mazohyst of Decedance by Dir en Grey...it's weird, but the baby laughing in the beginning I keep thinking it's saying "ansatsu. ansatsu." which would be very fitting with the song, but none the less I think it's sort of weird that I hear that.

I'm tired....but I'm feeling alot better that the people important to me are feeling better, and also not to mention it's starting to become fall which means I don't have to worry about the sun as much. I can live outside my cave again ^__^

I have alot of japanese homework. =p I'll get that all done tomorrow when I'm free as a bird flys! wee! =D
It's 10:48 p.m. and I need more blankets @ @ fall is cold!

Monday, October 7, 2002
*breathes a sign of relief* did I mention even more of my friends are having mental break downs? But I think the worst is over for many of them. @_@; I really hope this isn't going to be a common reaccurance. ^_^ I honestly think things are going to get better. Or at least I'm being hopeful @ @;

I'm excited for this weekend. I'm going home ^_^ I'm going to need to buy new glasses over the weekend though. Not only were my old pair way over due for a change, but I lost them this weekend...well that's convinient ^ ^; Well at least I'm not blind as a bat without them. I think I'll borrow tomo's ones that she never wears cause they're a weak perscription too. Weee! Erin survives!

I never got to work on the song this weekend ;_; waaaa. I want to sing. *bitch bitch whine whine* I like singing! Also tomo and her 'I miss brian' every 5 minutes was getting irritating. I've created such a monster @_@;; Well at least they're happy. ^_^

I really need to start finding some happy things @_@; I don't want people to stop ranting if they feel horrible, but all of this is really pulling me down. damn me for caring >_< damn me. stop caring *smacks self* darn didn't work.

Desi-san's been highly interested in Utada Hikaru recently and it's made me pull out all my old mp3s. ^_^ *sings to Never Let Go* What am I supposed to doooo~ if I can't have yooooouu~ La la la la na na. Iiii~ can't let gooo~. *dances*
It's 12:35 p.m. and I need some more marshmallow fluff =D

Sunday, October 6, 2002
Yesterday was alot of fun ^_^ Sarah came down again and we hung out over at liz's and played DDR. Tomo's gotten alot better at it actually o_O I think I have been too. ^_^;; which isn't saying much. I managed to get a B.

went to the mall again. I didn't buy anything really cept a t-shirt for sarah because she didn't have any cash on her at the time. One of the guys that works at Hot Topic I think is developing a crush on me o_O either that or he had a really bad day yesterday. He had a very...vunerable look. I don't even know his name o_O Maybe I should ask next time I see him.

Life is getting better I think. Hopefully....

Some quizzes and such.

Which Magical Order Are You In?
brought to you by Quizilla You are a Spiritualist. Your magic flows from the primal forces of the cosmos. You could be a gentle Healer, a miraculous Prophet or a spirit-summoning War-mage with the strong link your soul provides to the realms beyond reality. You have preternatural abilities, intutively sensing the personality of people you meet and discerning events yet to happen. You enhance your aura with meditative pursuits. You are a good judge of character but your idealism or morality can confuse others.

What Kind Of A Dreamer Are You? by Jennifer

I'm Shinya!
You are the cute, quiet type. You don't like telling strangers much about yourself, and you appear very mysterious and very cool with that. You like looking very feminine, even if you may not really be without your makeup, but many people (including me) envy your looks. ^_~ You are also very stubborn and tend to take things too seriously, and usually get picked on by other people, and you like being alone.

So far my favorite one is The Random Product Generator.
"Erin is a briefcase that uses the Amazon API! It blocks UV light and anticipates your every move."
"Tsuzuki is like a normal golf club, but it never gets tired."
"Blue is like a normal postage stamp, but it's guaranteed to save you a hundred pounds a month."
"Malice Mizer is a retinal implant that never needs repairing! It sorts your mail."
It's 03:37 p.m. and I need a new DDR mix

Saturday, October 5, 2002
Sarah and 2 others randomly hung out last night. She drove from an hour away to hang out for a little bit and then drive back. All going on at around midnight @_@; Oh well, it was really nice being around people, even though I didn't talk much. I'm such a loner sometimes ^ ^;;

I really haven't had the same amount of patience with people as I have recently...I haven't snapped at anyone (cept brian that one time...I'm sorry brian) but I can just feel that I'm just less patient. I don't think that's a good thing, not a good thing at all.

Definetly feeling angsty @_@; well oekaki's fun for that. Lots of fun fun JRock too. >_< I completely agree with Nigaki, Malice Mizer is just amazing...it's such a shame they disbanded...I wonder what's going to happen now

I really want Mana's Gardenia look. Actually all of his looks are always so beautiful. Nigaki got me into the music, which is absolutely wonderful, first. But seeing the video for Shiroi...I saw Mana and said "I want to look like that." Actually all of them, but Mana especially. As much as I love the androgenous or aristocratic look, for me personally I want to emulate the feminine. *shrugs* I guess it's a bad thing to copy something...but at least I have good taste? I don't know. I mean...I do things in my own way, I have to at least. Where would I be able to find all of Mana's shoes in the first place?? O_O

There are enough Mana wannabe's in the world >_< But I must agree we all have good taste XD
It's 02:28 p.m. and I need Mana's shoe collection

Thursday, October 3, 2002
Quizzes. I need something to keep my mind occupied and I've already read all the good fanfiction already. and YES I don't have homework I need to do or something like that.

which kingdom hearts character are you? yeah, yeah. jackie made this.

What's your Chocolate flavor?
Quiz made by Chesa

Which SM Villain Are You?

Brought to you by Faytrial

Thursday, October 3, 2002
This week hasn't been a good week for basically anyone connected to me. everyone is having problems, and the type of problems to break a person, not make them stronger. But I've come to the realization that there are some people I'd want them bring flowers to my funeral and not the other way around. I want to see them live past me. I want my loved ones to live!

It's been hard seeing some of the strongest people in my life breaking...I didn't think I would cry about it, but I did. It's hurts so much to see the people I love change because of all the shit out there. If I could have placed blame on someone I would have and wanted to see how much they could suffer. But I can't really blame any direct source, and if I could it'd be the same person that helped one become so strong against advercity.

I just want a magic wand that I could wave and all the injustice would disappear. he'd have his soul mate back, she'd stand up for herself and realize she's special, she'd live her life for herself and herself only.

But I heard a rumor once...that one of my favorite lyricists was abused by the bassist of the same band, they eventually kicked out that member, but he still had the pain none the less. But that's what helped him become such a beautiful lyricist in the first place. He was a mediocre lyricist before, but after that he could make some of the most beautiful music...and it took his breaking to do that....

.... nigaki's lyrics have been so beautiful recently. And that's what hurts.
It's 02:41 p.m. and I need a magic wand to play god and fix everything @_@

Wednesday, October 2, 2002
well. I've gone through an entire gallon of peach tea but I'm already feeling better....still have a wastebasket full of tissues though. I've been having fun on a new oekaki board Risha introduced me to. Kaji-san is very nice too. Even without a tablet it's fun. ^_^ I haven't actually MADE any art in a long time, just did alot of editting. but then again some of my doodles I can't really concider 'art'. *shrugs*

Quizzes and stuff I got from Adam no Blog cause I have nothing better to do when I'm knocked out like this. I rarely get colds but when I do, gah. they just knock me out @___@;;

1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT?
A. 4 person apartment with 3 people

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
A. school text books. Bad me.

3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
A. an old mother board I got from Little Earth

4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
A. monopoly is fun. pente is too. I really want to learn Go though

5. FAVORITE MAGAZINES?
A. *shrugs* manga? I don't really read magazines

6. BABIES?
A. I want one but not my own and definetly not right now

7. FAVORITE SOUND?
A. emotional singing...also the sound of water. I love watery sounds

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
A. doom

9. BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
A. that the world isn't such an evil place

10. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
A. Smack the alarm clock.

11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
A. Generally 3. Too bad I don't have a phone

12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
A. *shrugs* Probably some flower related name for a girl, for a boy I have no idea.

13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?
A. o_o;; if I knew that I'd tell you

14. FAVORITE FOODS?
A. green tea candy, asparagus, good soup

15. Chocolate or Vanilla?
A. chocolate candy, vanilla icecream

16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
A. yes, but I don't very often

18. STORMS-COOL OR SCARY?
A. absolutely!! They're one of my favorite things!

19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
A. 89 Jeep Cherokee laredo that went 16 miles to the gallon. I called it "My Baby"

20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE WHO WOULD IT BE?
A. From A Story: Furuba no Honda Touru. From Reality: Puraturi no Ryutarou?

21. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK.
A. I'm straight edge

22. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
A. Scorpio =p

23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
A. yup. I'd always pretend they were little trees and I was Paul Bunyon =D

24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE JOB IN THE WORLD WHAT WOULD IT BE?
A. Singer =D

25. IF YOU DYED YOUR HAIR, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU PICK?
A. Blue, duh.

26. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
A. yup. Also there are lots of different types of love ^_^

27. THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
A. my very very odd it's empty but it can be full too. I'm a negative and positive person at the same time. Morbidly Optimistic

28. FAVORITE MOVIES?
A. Adolencent Mokushiroku, Moulin Rouge, Princess Bride, Matrix

29. DO YOU TYPE WITH THE RIGHT FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
A. yup

30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
A. Portfolio and art supplies, maybe an accidental sock or two

31. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
A. *shrugs* Soccer? I dunno. Gymnastics is fun to watch. Everything is so fluid.

YOU-
bday: 10/25/1982 (>_o gonna get me something?)
name in full: Erin ***** ******
something you want to forget: Nothing. Momiji's a good teacher >_o
love: is a good thing
hate: is too prevalent
general attitude/outlook on life: life goes on
noticed by surprise: *shrugs* dunno

RIGHT NOW-
feelings: sick
want to do: get better
want to listen to: Dweezil and ahmet Zappa's "Hit Me Baby"
thinking of: how much people usually hate all these long quizzes
know: that I smell bad

THE BEST-
thing about your childhood: I dunno. *shrugs* I learned alot?
thing in general: music. it's such a beautiful tool
song: well I really like Utada Hikaru's "For You" but that's just me
person: o__O people are people. Each one is different and no better than anyone else ^_^
action: selflessness. It makes the world go round
word: killer
day: present is always the best time
band: Malice Mizer
thing you've ever been told: you're human

CAN'T-
wait for: graduation. school is nice and all, but I really just want to work and get on with my life
do: not figit. @_@ I just can't stop figiting
stand: people who can't see past themselves
help: but sing =D

ONE DAY-
you'll grow up to be: wiser.
see: my death
you'll live: in a small apartment
say: can I stay forever?

WORD ASSOCIATION-
go: for it
leave: and walk out the door I'm not helpless anymore. Oh ya! I will survive! XD
rock: on
pee-pee: la pu
smile: for me
lalala: nanana
dance: alot
heart: bleeds
white: roses
red: tears

MOST- scared of: destroying
happy about: making people happy
hated sport: golf, pro-wrestling
hated thing to do ever: clean up vomit
often thing you question: others motivations
hated person: *thinks* there are a few I highly dislike. Some I wouldn't mind seeing a bloody splat on the face of the world. But I can't really manage to 'hate'
prized possession: vaio-chan

QUESTION-
are you happy? sometimes.
It's 07:55 p.m. and I need some more tissues

Wednesday, October 2, 2002
*sneezes* ug....I have developed a cold seemingly overnight. well...I did have a slightly runny nose yesterday, but now it's hitting ful force. well at least my colds only last about 24-48 hours, and it was AFTER a test.

I took a vitamin pill, resting, and drinking lots of fluids. I'll be better in no time ^_^

In the meantime I'm catching up with my childhood with a nice little story. Yeah! they didn't kick of bert cause they though he was gay! >_o that's such a terrible rumor...they shouldn't be able to kick off such an icon. I love bert and his paperclips and pigions =D
It's 02:21 p.m. and I need mass quantities of orange juice

Tuesday, October 1, 2002
I'm feeling emotionally better than I was yesterday, though I think I'm getting a cold *sniff sniff*. Took a history exam today. I think I did decent on it. Not A material, probably a B. *shrugs* It might be different than last year, mostly cause it's so early in the morning. Gah! 8:00am is too early for noctornal me @_@;; Also tomo doing her art projects at 1 am doesn't really help either, but at least she's quiet and really unobtrusive about it unlike my former roommate *cough*fromhell*cough* so I can actually get to sleep

There's going to be the first meeting of an anime club tonight. ^_^ I wonder who'll come. I've spread it around to a few anime fans I know but I don't know who else'll make it. ^_^ Anime's such a good medium for making friends. *nod nod nods*

I finished the matching wallpaper. 1024x768. Sorry 800x600 peps. I know it looks terrible shrunk too. Maybe I'll make you guys one later.

Oh, I've been starting to think about making a page to archive all the wallpaper I make...cause I realized I make alot of wallpaper. But then again if I can get that done, I can get greymatters up and then I'll have a comment system and be off of pitas. I'm just lazy, or as Risha would say I'm 'relaxed'...gotta love euphamisms.
It's 02:58 p.m. and I need more dir en grey mp3s.

Monday, September 30, 2002
Ok. now for a real entry.

I think I'm hitting my most lathargic. gah @_@; I hate apathy, hate it! I cleaned the kitchen today, and had a japanese test, and studied for american history. And....that's too little for me. well at least I'm not like someone I know who's having a hell of a time trying to juggle everything and then some of their schedule.

Well at least I'm in a good mood ^__^ Life is good.

I forgot how much I love my plants =D Sure I've been taking care of them, but I haven't REALLY been taking care of them. Talking to them and all. Cashmere's been doing very well by my desk even with my vampire-like amount of light. Kishu's been looking a little worse for wear but still very healthy. I think a little water'll perk him right up. Jade's a happy jade plant. Gallie's not looking as happy as when I first got her but still a relatively content cactus. Yuki's been stable. Crawford however is looking a little more unhappy. Nothing deadly, just slightly more yellow. Hopefully the prickly-ass'll great in no time at all =D

Sometimes I can't believe people actually read my rambling on here XD mah gahd! I'm talking about PLANTS! You all must use this as a way to fight insomnia. THAT'S it. THAT'S where I get my loyal readers from.
It's 09:07 p.m. and I need to do something @_@

Monday, September 30, 2002
New Layout! It's a remix of a picture I did for Nigaki. I'm actually still proud of that one, and Nigaki's use of it was really fabulous.

I didn't go completely overboard with the new layout though. =p slightly distracted and also I'm just trying to use my strengths rather than my weaknesses. sure I suck at html, but I can sure have fun with photoshop =D

A quiz to christen the new layout! wee!

What Stone Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla